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Meanwhile back at the studio. . .
I was at the studio, very close to the end of my work day when a frantic call came from the lovely couple that watches my son after school. The husband, Mark* said when he picked up the children after school, my son was pretty agitated. Mark explained that within a few hours my son started begging he and his wife Margie to call the Sheriff’s office! My son was also asking their daughter to hide him. You might wonder why a child of 9 would be so upset to beg his sitter to call law enforcement to protect him? It was so he wouldn’t have to go on the exchange visit with his Father.
Mark said every time the phone rang or someone knocked on the front door my son hid. From Mark and Margie’s* description my son was more tense and upset, than they had ever seen him on an exchange day. This is not to say my son hadn’t been upset before on exchange days, he has been upset plenty of times. They were just saying that this time it was very different, this was panic behavior. My child was truly terrified.
Knock, knock. . .
There were other indicators that things weren’t going right, wetting the bed the night before an exchange day, my son crawling in bed with me the night before saying he is scared. He also verbalized that he didn’t want to go, to which I’d explain that he needs both parents, that it was just a weekend and we have a custody order that says he has to go. My son also had falling grades and lack of attention at school the day before and the day(s) following exchanges. This had been a pattern noticed by his teachers, but this time it was different, he started crying and begging.
Calling 911. . .
Ian* ended up calling 911 himself at the sitter’s home and then handing the phone to Mark. By the time I got there the two Sheriff officers had arrived to talk to my son. They spoke to him by himself with the husband and wife in attendance and then they spoke to me outside.
Just cause. . .
The officers explained that custody exchanges are civil matters and they couldn’t say I had to go to the exchange or didn’t have to go to the exchange with my son’s father. After talking to my son and the sitters they felt I had “just cause” not to exchange. They also wanted me to know that my son told them that he had gone on the exchange weekends even though his father continued to hit him, shave his hair off and to quote my son “treat him like a doll you stick pins in” because he didn’t want ME to get in trouble with the Judge. Me! My innocent, loving 9-year-old put himself through that torture to protect me. I was in tears by the time they finished talking to me.
I love my son, and it broke my heart to hear that he felt he had to protect me. It broke my heart again to know I had failed to completely protect him. Ian knows that the court order “made” him have to go to his Dad’s home every other weekend driving nearly 600 miles each time. Ian knows that it takes a Judge changing the custody order to make it “legal” but he just couldn’t wait anymore. He couldn’t wait any longer for me to get the paperwork though the system. Ian found his voice and took a stand to say ENOUGH!
Love, true love. . .
My Ex, my son’s father hasn’t been making good decisions on behalf of our son for a very long time. Things have been quite contentious and tied up in court in a county I have never lived in and his father doesn’t and hasn’t lived in for a very long time. This red tape on his end was an attempt to keep me from being able to do much of anything for years. It worked. Finally, after six years, the case jurisdiction was about to change, (should have changed after 6 months.)
Was it the Ex’s head injury that caused the Ex to be unreasonable? Was it his new wife creating havoc? Was it my son’s Grandfather on his father’s side, the man that had funded my Ex’s custody/divorce “war” still pulling strings. Who knows, maybe a bit of all of it. All I know is that my child found his voice and with the aid of the Sheriff’s Dept. and Domestic Relations we’ve had bit of peace for this period. Once our case is finally, completely transferred into our county we’ll have our day in court and more permanent change in the custody orders, I pray.
Moving forward with hope. . .
In the past 5 months my son’s grades have come up. He isn’t wetting the bed anymore. He is sleeping more soundly and is having much fewer bad dreams. Ian has even stopped flinching as much when someone comes up behind him quickly or I go to hug him. He has started attending Boy Scouts again in addition to taking school sponsored piano lessons. He has even expressed interest in soccer now since before, the exchange schedule made it impossible.
Ring. . .ring. . .ring. . .
His father still calls on rare occasion, usually he yells at Ian until our son says ENOUGH and says “Good-bye.” While Ian may feel like hanging up on his Dad, bad manners are not allowed. I received an angry text message today after one such phone call. I had text messaged his father to ask what had happened since I had a very upset boy on my hands. I said, ” What happened? What did you say?” “Ian is very upset now.” No response from his Dad.
After a while Ian did open up that his father had started the usual pattern of yelling and demanding. I text messaged his father again, “He (Ian) said you were not listening to him and you were yelling at him. Of the past four conversations that you have had with our son only one has gone well. After you two talk I’m left with the pieces. This isn’t good.” I didn’t expect to hear anything back, but I did. . .
“Ian is the one with no manners and is being rude. I have listened to him but when he is hearing so many lies about this side of the family there is no wonder his head is so full of crap. I love him and he has never been abused in my care. I think my father is right he wants to be a (my maiden name) more than a (his last name) and we need to take action because of this matter. Ian is welcome here anytime he wants because I love him with all my heart.”
Reading that text brought me to tears. I don’t speak ill of him or his family ever to or in front of my son. EVER. I am shocked to hear anything mentioned about my family or his family name. After all, it was my former sister-in-law that four years before said in front of my child that “I’d stolen the family name!” My baby came back from that visit wondering how someone could steal a name? After I explained that a person couldn’t steal a name. Ian went on to convey why he was asking. I explained to my bewildered child that on the day that his father and I got married Daddy loved me so much that he gave me his last name as a gift of love. I continued that when you give someone a gift, it is yours to keep. Just for the readers info, when my marriage ended I had a choice to keep my married name or return to my maiden name. I made the decision to keep my husband’s name after the divorce because it was my child’s name. Not for any other reason.
Actions speak louder than words. . .
You see, Ian’s father hasn’t really tried to compromise or to see his son for lunch or just have a plain, normal conversation since Winter. Did he show up for our son’s piano recital at school last week? No. Teacher conference three weeks ago? No. However, I wasn’t shocked to hear his father text that he loved our child. Somewhere deep inside of his being, somewhere in his core, the man I married, had a child with still exists. The problem is that the head injured man is in control and does almost nothing to exhibit what love really is. Love is more about actions, than words. A little short visit would do so much to help melt away some of the anxiety and convey a willing to work on things. Saying your aren’t going to shave the child’s head every two weeks, you aren’t going to hit him anymore or cut his shoes in half are just words.
I wish and pray. . .
I so wish I could turn time back to a period when his father wasn’t like an evil twin. I know Ian would have loved and wanted to spend time with the man who I knew for years, to have a real father and son relationship. I pray that someday a miracle will occur to heal Ian’s father so that they can have some level of loving relationship.
I know I don’t have the typical former spouse and my son doesn’t have the good father he so wants and deserves, but we are getting by, having more free time to play and we’re laughing more.
Laughter–that is something we can never have ENOUGH of!
* All names in this post have been changed to protect their privacy.
The Reel Life, Loves & Celluloid Dreams of the Green Light Girl 